Category: Personal mastery

A Top Coaching Goal Among Business Leaders


Which of the following coaching goals would you reckon leaders find most valuable working on? Becoming more strategic and impactful, inspiring their team, influencing diverse stakeholders, building executive presence, being empathetic, assertive or less stressed. While each of these comes up frequently, the one that leaders find particularly rewarding is becoming more emotionally secure.

Despite the success, many people in leadership roles feel insecure within. They experience the imposter syndrome – the feeling that they are not good enough for their role. Some are insecure about their educational or professional background, others about their lack of gravitas.

Many are anxious about how they measure up against their peers and the narrowing opportunities at the top of the pyramid. Some have a nagging concern about the risk of losing their reputation, others about staying relevant after retiring from a high-powered role.

Why does the insecurity prevail

Invariably, our insecurities are a symptom of a deeper unfulfilled emotional need to be accepted, respected or loved. This may be a part of our karmic imprint or a result of our childhood experiences. However, we grow up confusing security with success. Success can surely enhance our financial security. But while, success, status or power can dull the intensity of insecurity, they can’t heal the sense of incompleteness within us. I can relate to this as I have been there.

Irrespective of professional success, we can remain locked in our conditioned patterns of thinking. We chase societal expectations but lack an inner anchor of deeply knowing what matters most to us. Without such clarity, the only way to assess our progress is by external validation or by comparing ourselves to others. Neither of which can fundamentally make us feel whole.

Why they find this goal important

Leaders find addressing this area crucial to their professional effectiveness and personal happiness.

Feeling insecure about achieving their results makes them more directive and micro-manage their team. As a result, the team feels less empowered. They seek perfection in themselves and others and lose sense of strategic…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Relationships | 7 Comments

Do We Really Have Free Will?

No Free Will

I don’t think so.

Free Will is the ability to decide and act free from the influence of past events or the environment. Free Will implies complete freedom to make absolutely any choice. If you spend a moment reflecting on this, you would appreciate why we don’t have Free Will. Because our decisions and actions are never divorced from our past or our ecosystem.

We have a conditioned mind. Our memories, past impressions and experiences bias and shape each of our thoughts and actions in the present. It’s our karmic imprint. Not just what we are born with but also what we accumulate while living. Alternatively, we can consider it the result of our genetic code, upbringing and environment. It’s our backstory.

The only way to experience Free Will is to get rid of all such conditioning; to neutralise our karmic imprint; to be independent of our psychological coding. That’s possible only if we can purify our mind by letting go of all our ego, attachments and fixed beliefs. Only when we can reside in the truth of our being. Clearly a tall order for any of us to achieve in a lifetime.

But we do have choice in most situations, right?

You could argue that the above is a rather exacting definition of Free Will. What we usually mean by Free Will is that we have a choice in most situations. Even if we may not have complete freedom to make absolutely any choice, we clearly have some choice. For example, who you choose to marry, what profession you pursue or how you react to someone’s aggression. Sounds reasonable. But here’s the catch.

While we do seemingly have a choice in most situations, our ability to make that choice too is significantly restricted by our predispositions. Our karmic imprint or our psychological coding is quite powerful and dictates the choice we make. Subconsciously, you are likely to fall in love with a person of a specific personality type; pursue a profession with certain specific…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual, Uncategorized | 17 Comments

For Deeper Peace: Reduce Not Negative Thoughts, But Thinking Itself


We have two types of thoughts – voluntary and involuntary. Voluntary thoughts are the ones we consciously choose to have. For example, when planning, analysing or engaging in an activity. Involuntary thoughts are the ones that arise in our mind on their own. If you have ever tried meditating, you surely know what involuntary thoughts look like.

Research suggests that over 90% of our thoughts arise involuntarily from the subconscious mind. Even when we are consciously engaged in an activity, many of our thoughts are involuntary. Many of them are repetitive and a significant proportion of them are disempowering and negative thoughts.

Why the negative bias 

No different from the heart pumping blood, it’s the human mind’s innate nature to produce thoughts. Our subconscious mind is the storehouse of all our past desires, emotions, beliefs and experiences. And conditioned by our past, it carries a highly judgemental bias. It judges everything to be good or bad, desirable or avoidable, pleasurable or painful.

This feeds our desire to maximise favourable experiences in life and minimise unfavourable ones. The constant struggle to achieve that generates negative thoughts and emotions. We fear unfavourable experiences. On the other hand, we become attached to the favourable ones. We want to hold to them, crave for more and then fear losing them. This pattern repeatedly disturbs our peace.

Why positive thinking is not enough

One of the leading prescriptions to deal with negative thoughts is to develop positive thinking. How we should focus on the positive in every situation. How we should not dwell on the negative thoughts. That surely helps, but not enough and not everyone.

This is primarily because as long as we view every thought or situation as positive or negative, we perpetuate our judgmental psyche. Besides, overvaluing positive thinking can create a sense of helplessness when we are experiencing negative thoughts. We then avoid or suppress the negative thoughts rather than learn to face them. Further, inability to think positively leads us to judge ourselves as inadequate, further solidifying the…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 4 Comments

Have You Tried Being Still And Going Nowhere?

Being present to thoughts and feelings

Why do we struggle to be calm, content and happy? One of the reasons is we are restless about a better future. Too often, we are waiting for something to change favourably in our life. Getting a promotion, winning a business deal, losing weight, improving our love life or traveling to new locations.

This restlessness comes from a belief that by achieving such goals, we would somehow be at peace and happier. If you reflect on your past aspirations and achievements, you know that this is not necessarily true. That this belief is flawed. That our restlessness stretches beyond particular milestones and so does our lack of peace.

The only way to experience inner peace is to learn to live in the present. To be anchored in what is, without obsessing about what could be, should be and would be. To accept and love where we are at this moment, be at ease with the current imperfections of our life and acknowledge that we are a work in progress. But this requires an important skill – more about that in a moment.

The larger issue

Attachment to favourable future outcomes is only one of our mental obsessions. Our mind is constantly racing with an unending stream of thoughts. We don’t consciously generate these thoughts – they just keep arising on their own.

And a vast majority of these thoughts are linked to the past or the future. Unfortunately, many of them are unhealthy and lead to negative emotions. Dwelling on missed opportunities of the past makes us sad; fear of a potentially unfavourable event in the future makes us anxious.

Because we are not alive to what is transpiring within us at any moment, we are not aware of how these endless thoughts hijack our thinking. As a result, our actions are on auto-pilot too. Recurring situations generate predictable thoughts, feelings and actions. For example, someone challenging us hurts our ego and we wish to prove them wrong. Every time.

The pathway to…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 13 Comments

This New Year, Realise You Are Enough

Being enough

One of the real sources of stress in our life is the insecurity of not being enough. The subconscious feeling that we are incomplete, that there’s always something out there that would somehow complete us. It dictates much of our dysfunctional thinking. We have an imagination of a perfect self which by the way is a moving target. And falling short of that, or even the prospect of falling short, reinforces this feeling. We worry not only about under-achieving, but also about how poorly others will perceive us then.

Besides, we constantly compare ourselves with others. As there’s always someone more successful, more interesting, healthier, better connected or seemingly happier, we feel less about ourselves. We envy others and judge and criticise ourselves. Some of us tend to lose confidence or become more submissive. Others react to this feeling by becoming more ambitious or aggressive.

But you are already enough

What if you are already enough? Not when you get closer to your perfect self, but how you are right now. Not when you lose weight, get the next promotion or your child gets their dream job, but where your life is at this very instant.

Each of us is a microcosm of this universe. Our essence is the same as the rest of existence but our limited mind is unable to relate to it. Water is the essence of both an ice cube and a cloud, but we perceive each of them very differently. Gold could appear as a necklace, a ring or a bracelet – but that doesn’t change their core.

Our essence is our soul. You can break glass into as many pieces as you like, each of them would still be glass. Likewise, our individual soul is the same as the soul of the universe. And it is complete, whole and enough!

We are unable to experience this truth because of an ignorant and conditioned mind. Societal expectations condition our mind with the idea that we are incomplete unless…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 11 Comments

If Next Year Were Your Last, How Would You Spend It?

End of Life

I know it sounds like a morbid question. But I believe reflecting on it can be insightful and rewarding. Working recently with a client battling a seemingly terminal illness was an eye opener. It was enlightening to see how the illness brought sharp mental clarity for him and triggered meaningful life changes. I wondered about the changes I would make if I knew I had such limited time.

Anthony had been diagnosed with third-stage colon cancer. He was 49 years old, married and had 18-years-old twin girls. When we met, he had undergone a surgery and was about to start his radiation therapy. While he was expectedly overcome with fear and anxiety, I was struck by his openness and determination to heal.

Life Lessons

He began by exploring the lessons this illness was trying to present to him. He identified that he only knew the ‘play’ button and never pressed ‘pause’ in life – that he obsessively chased future goals, identified strongly with his professional success, pursued trivial pleasures and never had time for a health check. Forced to pause, he could see the value in choosing to slow down and living in the present.

In moments of quiet reflection, he wondered about the futility of his actions that were simply trying to feed his ego  – always pushing to get ahead, trying to look better than others and wanting to win in every interaction. He could relate to the potential lightness in letting go of his ego and becoming a more secure person.

Despite his past attachment with the material life, he had suddenly developed a strong urge to explore spirituality. He immersed himself into books and videos about inner healing, contacted a Reiki healer and began taking meditation lessons. He was starting to see his illness as an opportunity to grow in courage, patience, mindfulness, empathy, kindness and humour.

Holistic Living

Notwithstanding the daily ups and downs of his condition, through some of the practices he was following, he was progressively feeling more…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 9 Comments

The Fundamental Design Flaw in Humans

Six Senses and Reality

What makes the human experience interesting, rich and fun are our six senses, the sixth being our mind. However, the same senses act as a nearly impossible barrier for us to realise the deepest truth about ourselves.

These senses are our window to the external world. The greatest pleasures in our life seemingly come from experiences derived from these senses. The eyes admire beauty, the taste buds relish gourmet food and a lover’s touch makes the heart sing. However, these senses are fundamentally flawed. This apparatus, while a valuable gift to experience the world, comes with some serious design limitations.

The design flaw

Our mind is severely constrained in what it can perceive through the five senses. We cannot see everything as our sight is limited by the light frequencies our eyes can process. Likewise for our hearing. Snakes and dogs who can see and hear different frequencies must be constructing a different world. We can’t register any visuals that appear faster than 1/8th of a second as distinct. That’s why we perceive a series of rapidly shot still images as a continuous video.

We are able to process only a tiny portion of the energy vibrating out there and consider it as the reality. We believe the sky to be blue; although it’s the scattering of the blue light absorbed by the atmosphere that makes it appear so. The moon doesn’t rise, but is only visible at night. The house you live in is not exactly still; but is constantly rotating and revolving at great speeds along with the earth. You get the idea!

The reality

For the past five millennia, scriptures, sages and mystics have appealed to us to explore and contemplate the absolute reality. The reality of an all-pervading, all-encompassing and all-knowing energy field. That we are made of the same energy and everything and every being is an integral part of this whole. And that there’s no separate self even though we clearly perceive ourselves as distinct from everything else….

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual, Uncategorized | 15 Comments

Two Questions Worth Asking Yourself This New Year

Who am I and What am I doing here

Hope you had a restful year-end break. As I enjoyed a relaxed time with family and friends, a few conversations did go past the usual reminiscing of pre-Covid life and how much the world has changed since. One thing became quite clear from that. While a lot has changed, at a deeper level we remain sorely stuck in old ways.

We have proven our resilience, but we still react only to short-term challenges. We just don’t seem to have the will to examine the fundamental and long-term issues. During the crisis, we discovered our ability to reflect and be purposeful. But we have quickly lost it in the rush to get back to the life as we knew it. Consumerism wins over conservation, convenience over what’s right, and instant gratification over mindful living. Again! Over the past two years, we resolved to be kinder, more empathetic and loving. But that resolve doesn’t seem to last against our strong wiring to be self-centred and egoistic.

All these are symptoms of a deeper illness. It’s our poor and deteriorating relationship with ourselves and by extension with others and our ecosystem. It is in this context, it’s worth asking the two age-old questions at this time. Who am I and What am I doing here.

Who am I?

Our superficial lives are an outcome of our superficial understanding of ourselves. When we relate to ourselves only as physical and emotional beings, we wish to satisfy only our physical and emotional needs. Who are you, really? Beyond the identity of your professional role, nationality, cultural values, religious beliefs, family and personal interests? Going past your age, education, intelligence level and personality traits? Beyond your physical body, unending thoughts and ever-changing emotions?

As we continue seeking and keep unpeeling the layers of our perception, we get to the truth of our existence. We are the everlasting Awareness. This Awareness is what lets us experience different thoughts and emotions. However, we…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Global challenges, Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 14 Comments

This Season, Get a Dose of Emotional Vaccination Too

Emotional vaccination

I lost my dad two months ago. He was 89 and suffered a brain haemorrhage. As difficult as it was to lose him, the hardest part for me was not being able to be with him at that time. Attending his funeral over Zoom was a rude reminder of the times we are in. I could suddenly and intimately feel the pain of so many others.

The prolonged and seemingly unending nature of the disruption and losses make us routinely feel disoriented, anxious and exhausted. It is directly affecting many individuals’ mental and emotional well-being, a trend particularly accentuated among the young.

Like the virus, this heightened uncertainty doesn’t look like going away in a hurry. Like we need the vaccine as protection from the virus, we need to learn ways to immunise ourselves from our inner emotional turmoil. Here are three ideas you can consider.

Build equanimity

To protect ourselves from the emotional roller-coaster, we need to cultivate a sense of equanimity – an anchor of stillness within us so the changing external scenery doesn’t easily affect us. Like the vaccine, this stillness doesn’t mean that we are not affected at all. It’s just that the threshold at which we experience emotional hijack goes up.

To build such equanimity, we need to deepen our emotional self-awareness. We need to learn what makes us happy, sad, insecure and excited; how frequently we move from one emotional state to the other; and what triggers these shifts. Ordinarily, we are on an autopilot mode where certain triggers produce a predictable reaction within us time after time.

When we are in touch with our changing emotional states, we can quickly catch ourselves starting to feel anxious, envious or angry. We can then choose to acknowledge those emotions and without judging ourselves, explore  alternate ways to respond in the situation. That’s how we can break the pattern of our repetitive and volatile emotional reactions.

Equally, with greater self-awareness, you may observe how you typically react in an emotionally disturbed state….

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Global challenges, Personal mastery, Self-growth | 54 Comments

What It Takes To Be The Adult In The Room

Adult Ego State

Even though not usually apparent, at the core, I have had a permissive predisposition. I have a tendency to avoid confrontation and prefer harmony over righteousness. Also, I instinctively feel the urge to protect anyone close to me I perceive to be vulnerable in an interaction.

Over the years, I have been consciously working on becoming more assertive instead. Where I am more open to expressing myself more fully in a firm, respectful and sensitive way. And hold the space for the vulnerable to find their strength. Although I am comfortable with where I am on this in my professional life, I sometimes find myself wanting in my personal relationships.

A recent refresher of Transactional Analysis (TA) was a great reminder of the further work I can do. As you may know, TA is a psychological theory of personal growth and relationships. It suggests that we have three ego states (Parent, Adult, Child) that primarily develop during our childhood. The specific combination of these states that we operate from determines the outcome of a particular interaction.

The three ego states

Parent ego state represents our psychological make-up that subconsciously imitates our childhood interpretation of the actions of our parents or of other figures of authority. How we get angry at similar triggers as one of our parents or talk in a critical or endearing tone like them. It’s the set of rules or beliefs that we imbibe during childhood about life, work and family.

Adult ego state corresponds to being guided by an objective assessment of the present moment, without any emotional baggage. This relates to our ability to process information in a logical way. Child ego state comprises thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are similar to how we tended to be, particularly emotionally, in our childhood. How we felt sad or angry every time someone passed a critical comment or didn’t include us in their plans; or how we were playful, conforming or defiant.

Can you notice these patterns playing out in yourself…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth, Uncategorized | 21 Comments