Passionate Detachment: The Sweet Spot of Life

Photo by h.koppdelaney

Photo by h.koppdelaney

If you are familiar with any ball sport – tennis, cricket, or golf, you would perhaps know what it takes to hit the ball on the sweet spot. Well, you’ve got to be focused and relaxed. Sounds odd, isn’t it? Ordinarily, we can either be focused or relaxed; how do you be both? But then bringing together these almost paradoxical opposites, in an optimal balance, is what the sweet spot of life is about.

The Sweet Spot

For example, this sweet spot is about finding a balance between success and meaning. On the one hand, if we are single-mindedly chasing success, without connecting to a deeper purpose, we start to lack meaning in our life; on the other, if we are pursuing our passion, but don’t experience sufficient success with it, we can feel frustrated.

It’s the same with our relationships. Being aggressive and always pushing our point of view makes us less lovable, but being submissive and not expressing ourselves fully results in our needs not being met. Instead, attaining a healthy midpoint, of being assertive and authentic, allows us to build deeper relationships. It’s a place where we are firm but polite, hold our ground but are respectful of others’ perspective, are sensitive to others’ feelings and yet authentic in expressing ourselves more fully.

Likewise, with parenting – loving our children, without setting healthy boundaries, spoils them; but then, enforcing limits, without offering unconditional love, suffocates them. Most of us tend to be either authoritarian (too strict) or permissive (too lenient) in our approach. A fine balance exists between these opposites, where we love the children unconditionally, without constantly judging them, and set up age-appropriate limits for them, through an open dialogue.

As I explain in my new book, Discovering Your Sweet Spot, the sweet spot is the place in life where we feel balanced in every way – between, work and family, physical and emotional well-being, mental and spiritual growth, personal progress and supporting others, giving and receiving, and loving and being loved. It is that precious zone where the physical and the spiritual meet.

Passionate Detachment

Consider passion and detachment – one of the most potent pair of paradoxes in our life’s journey. As we passionately engage in various activities – at work or in our relationships or personal interests – we usually get significantly attached with the results and that’s what leads to increased stress in our life. Alternately, if we take a detached or a disinterested approach, it’s not particularly supportive of our moving forward either.

Creating an equilibrium where we are passionately engaged in what we love, but are reasonably detached from the day-to-day outcomes of our actions, is what passionate detachment is about; and that’s one of the keys to discovering our life’s sweet spot.

Its Powerful Relevance

The principle of passionate detachment has profound implications in our life. It allows us to connect with our profession or vocation with a new sense of purity, where we see our work as the manifestation of our life’s purpose, without getting constantly caught up in the expectations of specific personal gains or losses.

Practicing passionate detachment also prepares us to unconditionally love our spouse or partner, without any preconceived expectations from them. We nurture our children, not so that they can become idealized version of ourselves, but so they can be secure in being who they are. We become more open to giving, not in the hope of always receiving something in return, but because giving is an overflow of our innate goodness.

We find strength equally in building self-belief and trusting the ways of the universe. We passionately take charge of living our dharma, our life’s purpose, while letting go of being invested in the external measures of our progress, and strongly trusting that whatever transpires is for our highest good.

As we temper our attachment towards the varied outcomes of our actions, it helps us better moderate what the Buddhist teachings identify as the eight versions of our tendency to continually hope and fear – pleasure and pain, praise and blame, gain and loss, fame and disgrace. Cultivating such equanimity to all types of experiences, pleasant or otherwise, allows us to discover deeper happiness, peace and contentment in our life.

(The above is an edited version of an article I had recently written for the ‘Heal Your Life’ website)

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COMMENTS

15 Responses to “Passionate Detachment: The Sweet Spot of Life”

  1. Sai says:

    Hi Rajiv,

    Some great thoughts I should say. A couple of points which strike me are:

    The concept of balance arises only when there are opposites.However if we are able to reach a stage where we believe that “whatever transpires is for our good” as you mention in the penultimate paragraph, then I don’t think there is any need to consciously attempt to balance as you don’t see opposites.The key I think is what the Gita says about not being attached to the fruits of one’s actions.

    Secondly you seem to imply that detached and disinterested are the same ( last line of 6th para). Is it the same?

    • Rajiv Vij says:

      Hi Sai: Many thanks for sharing your thoughts. The need for balance arises because we can easily get tilted towards one end of the spectrum with time. To the point of believing that ‘whatever happens happens for our highest good’, if not balanced with a somewhat opposing belief in our free will and ability to alter the course of our future, has the risk of making us fatalistic. Regards, Rajiv

      • SHREENIVAS says:

        Hi sai and rajiv:

        Interesting duality between free will and acceptance. In my experience and understanding, I believe we always need to acts as per our Highest / Truest/ Most Authentic Self thus demonstrating “free will”. If the outcome of our actions, which we must openly and wholeheartedly accept, , results in meeting/ exceeding our (unattached) result, we would meet it with equanimity, not exultation and certainly without fuelling our ego/ pride – a feat in itself! If it doesn’t, it offers a terrific opportunity to understand/ learn and, if reqd, realign ourselves with our Highest Selves.Thus both outcomes would be the “best” for us. What we must learn can however be a bit challenging and may require substantial reflection. BTW, the poem “If” by Rudyard Kipling always serves, IMO, as a great signpost for ideal responses.

  2. Inta Sellick says:

    Hi Rajiv,

    Beautifully put and a timely reminder at this end of the year as the Christmas and end of year work and personal life expectations begin to build. In particular I think passionate detachment is a wonderful paradox the requires mindful action which is somehow more than ‘acceptance’. I love the paradoxes … it like flying with BOTH wings! Thank you for your wholehearted wisdom Rajiv.

  3. Ramya Nageswaran says:

    Very nicely written Rajiv. Enjoyed reading it.

  4. Rahul says:

    Hi Rajiv:

    Enjoyed reading this post. Immediately strikes a cord. Its so helpful to be reminded of these things again and again as one tries to understand the priorities and pressures. Thanks for sharing your learnings and your wisdom.

  5. kalpana Swaminathan says:

    I enjoyed reading the article & could identify with it. However, how does one develop this passionately detached attitude towards life & the people around us. We all know to a large extent ideally how we all need to be; however, we seldom have the presence of mind to let go.. We may even realise in hindsight how differently we could have behaved, but make the same mistakes over and over again.

    • Rajiv Vij says:

      Thank you for your comment Kalpana. I guess, building a practice of regular reflection, which allows us to take a pause in our fast-paced life, could be helpful.

  6. Ralph says:

    Just came upon your website and will definitely come back to it again.

    Vedic wisdom reminds us that we have the right to our labour and not the fruits. We are all called to lead others or ourselves in different ways. When faced with conflicting choices, a powerful prayer from St. Francis of Assisi helps.

    “Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,
    he courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

    Wisdom is the key!

    Two questions come to mind.

    Should we be pursuing “happiness” which is ephemereal (like the joy of the iphone 5) OR “contentment” which is deeper and hence lasting ?

    What is your experience of Vipassana meditation the precursor to “Mindfulness Meditation”?

    • Rajiv Vij says:

      Thanks for sharing your comments Ralph. Yes, happiness should not be confused with pleasure (which is ephemeral in nature). Vipassana has been personally very helpful in cultivating mindfulness.

  7. Sushmita says:

    Thank you, for sharing the shared: a brilliant post, on moving through the paradoxes, to ultimately dissolve them in and with self-awareness.

    An extremely resonant post it is…. Yes, that “sweet spot” is spotless, devoid of the extraneous thoughts; it is that zone of complete immersion in the path, completely detached from the outcome, the trust innate guiding, and thus, to and through equanimity, knowing, all is perfectly timed, transpiring, for the highest good, each moment and event a grace…forwarding the manifestation of our path of truth…dhammapada….

    Warm regards,

  8. Susheel Racherla says:

    Your words are like Music, Kudos to your article!

  9. ATUL SULE says:

    Outstanding article to help people resolve apparently conflicting situations in day to day life.