Yeh Dil Maange More! (…Or This Heart Craves for More)

Photo by JD Hancock

Do you sometime notice a sense of restlessness within you – a subtle feeling of wanting more from life; a desire for more success, more happiness, more wealth, more comfort, more love, more acknowledgement, more friends, more wisdom, more time, more fun or more healthy years?

Initially, I thought this was a fleeting feeling that arose from time to time, but I have now come to recognize that its subtle presence can be a persistent one; it’s undercurrents a constant companion. While this feeling is the source of fuel that moves us forward, it is also the cause of our discontent in life. How we quickly get used to any new circumstances in life and start nurturing these cravings from thereon.

If we had been dreaming about buying a Toyota Corolla, no sooner than we get to buy it, we get used to it and start eyeing the Camry. Not that the guy driving the Camry is any happier as he’s wondering when is he going to get his next upgrade.

3 Reasons For Our Discontentment

1. Belief that more is better

In our achievement-oriented society, more is often synonymous with better – the underlying belief that the person with more is likely to be happier; that more success, more money equates to greater happiness. Further, the capitalistic philosophy of ‘winner takes all’ and its tempting, instant and disproportionate rewards make us constantly yearn for more. Further, high decibel advertising touting the latest consumer products reinforces our sense of inadequacy.

As a result, we subconsciously dedicate our life to seeking perfection in all aspects of our life – from perfect looking teeth and perfectly shaped body- even if it means undergoing cosmetic surgery- to the most desirable perfume and the perfect partner. In the process, we develop a lop-sided sense of priorities and end up living a poor inner life because we are constantly thinking of what we don’t have rather than be grateful for all the wonderful things we do have. In this blinding chase for more, we fail to question how much is enough?

2. External focus

Simultaneously, our focus for happiness is outside of us. In modern society, the most often used measure of progress is material success – particularly the aspects that make us look good in the eyes of others. Thus, we get so caught up with the outwardly visible yardsticks – the job title, model of the car, square footage of the house and the holiday destinations. Also, we confuse external pleasure with happiness. We seek pleasure in money, success, food, gadgets, sex and so forth. As any form of pleasure is unable to keep us happy for a long time, we constantly seek out a new experience, a new fix, to get us feeling good about ourselves. We get onto the ‘hedonic treadmill’ – constantly seeking fresh pleasures just to stay at the same level of satisfaction.

3. Stuck in relativity

“Men do not desire to be rich, but richer than other men.” We also find ourselves stuck in the concept of relative success. It is not about how well you are doing but how you are placed compared to your peers. We lose sight of our own progress and find it difficult to rejoice in our accomplishments; unless, we are sure that we have traveled further and achieved more than our social network. Ironically enough, there’s always someone in our peer group who’s richer, more successful, better looking, wiser or luckier than us. Forever trying to play catch-up then becomes a recurring theme in our life.

3 Mantras To Be Happier

1. Look within

Real happiness lies within us – deeper contentment is possible only when we connect with reforming our inner life. External progress can surely provide us some happiness but that tends to be short-lived. The ephemeral nature of such pursuit is well captured by the Buddhist teacher, Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche, who said, “Those who seek happiness in pleasure, wealth, glory, power, and heroics are as naïve as the child who tries to catch a rain-bow and wear it as a coat.” Also, we intuitively know that money alone cannot buy happiness. Particularly, after a certain threshold, incremental material success does not usually add to happiness. In fact, a more singular pursuit of financial growth takes us away from our ability to enjoy the present, pursue our passions and nurture our treasured relationships.

Genuine happiness on the other hand stems from our inner contentment vis-à-vis our personal life and the world around us. It requires consciously cultivating an emotional equilibrium towards our circumstances; so, the extent of both, our craving for seeking the next pleasure and the dissatisfaction with not landing one, are moderated. Authentically happy people are grounded in their inner values and don’t feel inclined to respond to every temptation, whether related to social symbols of success or conforming to what’s popular around them.

2. Clarity of purpose

A big chunk of our restlessness for ‘more’ stems from lack of a clear purpose in our life. We customarily correlate the notion of fulfilling our personal potential to how much further we can get in our profession, financial status, or public recognition – and that leads us to a treadmill of activity but not necessarily to inner fulfillment. Rather than struggling to relentlessly climb the ladder (career or social), it is more important to determine whether our ladder is leaning against the right wall in the first place.

It is important to recognize that we can start the journey towards discovering and satisfying our potential only by working on our inner self and by setting the direction of our life in line with our personal purpose. An obsessive achievement orientation tends to make us live in- and for- the future, making us dependent upon time for its fulfillment. On the contrary, living grounded in a deeply felt purpose enables us to feel fulfilled and relish the present.

3. Gratitude

Inner happiness emanates from finding fulfillment in our current station in life. One thing that is greatly helpful in this regard is creating moments of stillness, slowing down our train of compulsive thoughts about future progress and relishing all that is well in our present life. Making a list of things you are grateful for in life, and reflecting on it, has a favorable influence on your level of contentment. This contemplation makes us recognize the blessings of our life that we ordinarily fail to acknowledge.

Reminding ourselves of the key highlights from this list on a daily basis keeps us focused on the bigger picture of our existence and away from the relatively insignificant mental cravings of daily life. Also, being thankful for what we have makes us more open to receiving further. In fact, the more you express gratitude for what you have, the more you will have, to express gratitude for. As we pay greater attention to the beauty and miracles of our existence, the more they grow in our life.

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COMMENTS

12 Responses to “Yeh Dil Maange More! (…Or This Heart Craves for More)”

  1. DPR Reddy says:

    Thank You Rajiv for a clear direction.I read this article at the right time and will be my Bible for the rest of my life.

  2. Susmitha says:

    Dear friend

    I got this article forwarded to me my best half. I want to share some thots…

    All of us at some point of our life would have read some article like this which is so close to our reality. Many of us would have also got an opportunity to discuss these things with someone going through such a phase or an elder who would have got his share of learnings and want his next generation to improve from them.

    But y do we repeat? Y do v push ourself back to ‘silently suffer’ zone again & again??

    I feel that many a times in our life when we are going through an indecisive phase, our inner mind tells us what makes us feel better. Despite that we look at our near & dear ones for an affirmation of the choices. If their choice meets with our inner voice, we go ahead to do what makes us feel better. If their choice is what the popular worldy choice is, we still do it but with a dent into that inner satisfaction. So we keep falling back into ‘silent suffer’ zone saying to ourselves that we did to make someone important to us happy by believing their choice.

    I hope to hear some thoughts on this

  3. Rajiv Vij says:

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts Susmitha!

    I agree with the need to listen to the inner voice of wisdom that exists within us – the more we follow it, the more it grows.

    Also, I like your point about how indecisive and challenging phases often present us the best opportunities to reflect, connect with our inner selves and discover more meaningful pathways.

  4. As usual, very well written and focused article!

  5. Anonymous says:

    Hi Rajiv, one question that comes to my mind is what practice can I adopt, starting today, that will help me move forward, towards this aspirational goal (of enjoying what I have today, not focussing on external signs of success, etc).
    Since you have begun your self transformation process perhaps much earlier than I, do you still seek for something in the future? And if so, how do you work on this? Another way to ask this question – what are you working on, in yourself currently, and what tool/approach do you use, for this?
    Cheers, K.

  6. Rajiv Vij says:

    Hi K:

    Appreciate your comment. I find two practices particularly useful in this regard.

    One is the discipline of meditation. It supports the shift from restlessness to stillness. In that stillness, it becomes easier to appreciate our blessings and feel empowered.

    Second is the practice of regularly reflecting on your list of gratitude, If possible, reflecting on the key elements of it on a daily basis is helpful in bringing that sense of peace with where we are in life.

    These practices are not to dilute your energy towards future but to aid in making the present more fulfilling and the journey of progress more enjoyable.

  7. UVW says:

    Great core message. One has many needs and one important way to stay sane is to know when one has enough of something and not go hankering for more of that!
    Thank you.
    Uday

  8. AR says:

    Thanks Rajiv for a thought-provoking article.

    In today’s world of few true friends and fewer who would really walk with you through an indecisive phase, one often relies on their own self-belief in weighing the pros & cons of multiple options. To some extent, the inner voice goads/guides the action (or inaction, waiting for something else to happen). Is there a structured way to go about this thought-process?

    On the point on gratitude, I would like to get some thoughts on “where does one draw the line?” Taking a simplistic view of this, there would two buckets – one labled “Gratitude” and another “Taken for granted”. In the rat race that most of us are in, our brains have probably been hard-wired to crave and achieve more. Thus, more and more things keep getting added (consciously or otherwise) to the “Taken for granted” bucket. Coming back to my question, where & how does one draw the line and get more into the “Gratitude” bucket?

    I hope to hear some thoughts pls.

  9. Rajiv Vij says:

    Hi AR:

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and raising some wonderful questions.

    Your point about being guided by the inner voice is a good one. The inner voice of wisdom exists within all of us. However, when we choose to slow down and reflect more deeply does it express itself more fully. Also, the more we trust this voice, the more it grows. I find creating moments of reflective solitude and/or meditation practice rather useful for this.

    On the point on ‘drawing the line between gratitude and taking things for granted’, my experience is that the more we can dilute our ego (and the belief that we have been the sole or primary architects of our successes), the more we recognize the miracles of our blessings and greater is our gratefulness. The more we can examine the things we take for granted, the deeper this sense of gratitude becomes and greater the contentment!

    Hope this is helpful.

  10. Jayan Kozhikote says:

    Thanks, Rajiv for this thoughtful and thought provoking piece.
    One question- Why is that more and more people get to this self contained state of mind, after being successful in their career with a healthy bank balance?

  11. Rajiv Vij says:

    Thanks for that pertinent question Jayan. I reckon it’s to do with the hierarchy of needs…as we move from satisfying physiological needs to belonging (love and relationships) to esteem (success and achievement) and finally towards self-actualization.

    While the growing affluence in our society is making it increasingly possible to pursue personal passions and focus on actively contributing to society, it is still a nascent trend…something that many yearn would grow!

  12. DaveCarlson says:

    The Truth always seems so clear! You have crystalized a life strategy that we can all strive for….once we realize that our current strategy is flawed!:) Thank you for this great work! Dave